“These are a few of my least favorite things.”

In no particular order, here is a list of a few things I hate:

• Sharks, alligators, cockroaches, and other things that are prehistoric. Exception: possums. Mammals are okay, and I’m a speciesist.
• Chelsea Handler
• User-made ecards (never funny)
• User-made ecards about women who love wine
• Wasps. Because who likes those dudes?
• Spiders, especially wolf spiders. The other day, one stared at me in the bathroom while I urinated. WITH ALL EIGHT EYES.
• Mayonnaise. Why is this a thing? It’s gross and fatty, and I’m a fatty. I like fat things. I don’t like mayo.

TO BE CONTINUED….

In the meantime, discuss!

I found this on Pinterest today, and while I accept that some people have what they refer to as biblical marriages, I feel this one goes very over the top and frightens me in 2012. I bolded her words for emphasis, and added my own sassy comments in italics.

“Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.

What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.

Choose Joy
It’s true: A happy wife makes a happy life. Please don’t use moodiness as an attempt to manipulate your man, but in all things rejoice, because that’s the right thing to do. (1 Thessaonians 5:16; Philippians 4:4)

Honor His Wishes
Give weight to what your husband thinks is important. Make those things a priority that matter most to him, whether it’s having dinner ready when he gets home from work or keeping the house tidy or limiting computer time. Don’t make him ask twice. (Philippians 2:4) Lest he needs to tell you with the back of his hand next time.

Give Him Your Undivided Attention
Yes, I know that women are masters of multi-tasking, but when your husband is speaking to you, make a point to lay other tasks aside, look into his eyes, and listen to what he is saying with the goal of understanding and remembering his words.

Don’t Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won’t let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.

Emphasize His Good Points
Sure, he has his faults (as do you), but dwelling on them will only make you (both) miserable. Choose instead to focus on those qualities in your husband that you most admire. (Philippians 4:8)

Pray for Him
Ruth Graham advises wives to “tell your mate the positive, and tell God the negative.” Take your concerns to God. Faithfully lift up your husband in prayer every day, and you will likely notice a transformation not only in him, but in yourself, as well. (Philipians 4:6-7; 1 Thessalonians 5:17) Why would you tell your most trusted partner your troubles? That will only make him less happy, and you exist solely for his happiness.

Don’t Nag
Your husband is a grown man, so don’t treat him like a two-year-old. Leave room for God to work. You are not the Holy Spirit, so do not try to do His job. But make sure you’re serving him and anticipating his whims, though he’s a grown man and not a two-year-old. See number 2.

Be Thankful
Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Don’t take your husband for granted. Be appreciative for everything he does for you, whether big or small. Always say thank you. (1 Thessalonians 5:18; Ephesians 5:20)

Smile at Him
Smiles spread happiness. Smiles have even been shown to create happiness. Smiles are contagious. And a smile makes any woman more beautiful. And you exist to be beautiful for your husband.

Respond Physically
Did you know that the way you respond (or don’t respond) to your husband’s romantic overtures has a profound effect on his self-confidence? Don’t slap him away when he tries to hug you or make excuses when he’s in the mood. Your enthusiastic cooperation and reciprocation will not only assure him of your love, but will make him feel well-respected, too. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) This entire entry is a vomitrocious mess. It’s so bad I made up a word. You are essentially a human fleshlight, and you are here to bolster his masculinity. However, you should not think YOU are permitted to ask him for sex. If you ask and he’s not in, guess what you did? You hurt his masculinity again. Please lie there and happily take it, Talking-Hole-In-His-Mattress.

Eyes Only for Him
Don’t compare your husband unfavorably to other men, real or imaginary. It is neither fair nor respectful and will only breed trouble and discontent. Avoid watching movies or reading books that might cause you to stumble in this area, as well. (Psalm 19:14; Proverbs 4:23) Read: You’re not allowed to read Fifty Shades of Grey. Here, we agree.

Kiss Him Goodbye
I once read about a study done in Germany which found that men whose wives kissed them goodbye every morning were more successful than those who weren’t kissed. Success and respect often go hand-in-hand, so be sure to send him off right, and don’t forget to greet him with a kiss when he returns home, for good measure. (2 Corinthians 13:12)

Prepare His Favorite Foods
Although the rest of the family is not overly-fond of spaghetti, my husband loves it, so I try to make it at least two or three times a month as a way to honor him. Next time you’re planning meals, give special consideration to your husband’s preferences. (Proverbs 31:14-15) I mean, this just makes sense when you cook for other people to take their likes into consideration. But to “honor” him? “Here, honey. I made you these beanie weanies TO HONOR YOU. You make me think of canned beans, mystery meat, and farts. I love you.”

Cherish Togetherness
I love to sit near my husband, whether at home or away. Our church shares potluck dinners every Sunday afternoon, and although the men and women normally sit separately to visit, I like to position myself close enough to my husband that I can listen to the conversation, as I think everything he says is so interesting. At home, I’ll take my book or handwork to whatever room in the house he’s working in, just to be close to him, because I enjoy his company, even when neither of us is talking. Because he’s working on something on his evenings at home, not just fucking around on the computer like a normal person, and you’re doing “handwork,” because you’re Ma Ingalls.

Don’t Complain
Nobody wants to be around a whiner or complainer. It is grating on the nerves. Remember the serenity prayer: accept the things you can’t change, courageously change the things you can, seek wisdom to know the difference. (Philippians 2:14) You don’t get feelings. Feelings and desires and whims are for men. You have an extra set of ribs instead. Aren’t you happy?

Resist the Urge to Correct
I know one wife whose spouse can’t tell a story without her stopping him fifteen times to correct inconsequential details: “It wasn’t Monday evening, it was Monday afternoon…. It wasn’t blue, it was turquoise…. He didn’t ride the bus, he took a shuttle.” Please. Please. Please. Don’t ever do that to your husband — or to anyone else, for that matter! (Proverbs 17:28) Well, yeah. Just try not to be an asshole?

Dress to Please Him
Take care of your appearance. Choose clothes your husband finds flattering, both in public and around the house. Vom, vom, vom. You mean my torn shirt with bleach stains I wear around the house doesn’t do it for Ryan? Why the fuck not?

Keep the House Tidy
To the best of your abilities, try to maintain a clean and orderly home. Seek to make it a haven of rest for your entire family. (Proverbs 31:27) I would, but that would get in the way of my lying around time.

Be Content
Do not pressure your husband to keep up with the Jonses. Take satisfaction in the lifestyle he is able to provide for you. (1 Timothy 6:6-10; Hebrews 13:5) Make no mistake, you will not provide anything for yourself, and if you do, you are a devil woman to be burned as a witch, because you know, we don’t have to suffer a witch to live and all.

Take His Advice
Do not dismiss his opinions lightly, especially when you’ve asked for his counsel in the first place. Make every effort to follow your husband’s advice.

Admire Him
Voiced compliments and heartfelt praise are always welcome, but you should also make it your habit to just look at your husband in a respectful, appreciative way. Think kind thoughts toward him. He’ll be able to see the admiration in your eyes. (Luke 6:45) Like a dog.

Protect His Name
Honor your husband in the way you speak of him to family and friends. Guard his reputation and do not let minor disagreements at home cause you to speak ill of him in public. Live in such a way that it will be obvious to others why your husband married you in the first place. (Proverbs 12:4; 22:1) These things are private. So what he punched you in the neck? You burned the pot roast! And now you know what to do next time, don’t you? 

Forgive His Shortcomings
In the words of Ruth Bell Graham, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” Please do not hold grudges against your husband. Do not allow a root of bitterness or resentment find a home in your heart. Forgive your husband freely, as Christ has forgiven you. (Mark 11:25; Matthew 18:21-35) What is this? I don’t even. I’ve been with my husband 10 years, and I have absolutely no grudges against him. Why the fuck would I? I’m a grown ass woman, not a 12-year-old girl. I’m allowed to share my feelings with him, though, so there’s that.

Don’t Argue
You are not always right, and you do not always have to have the last word. Be the first to say, “I’m sorry.” Be willing to accept the blame. It takes two to argue, so “abandon a quarrel before it breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14; 21:19; 25:24) Be willing to accept the blame…always. We already told you your feelings are not valid. Ever.

Follow His Lead
If you want your husband to lead, you must be willing to follow. Neither a body nor a family can function well with two heads. Learn to defer to your husband’s wishes and let final decisions rest with him. (Ephesians 5:22-24)” Vom vom vom vom vom. You aren’t a real adult. You don’t get to make decisions. 

So in short, I hate this. A lot. I don’t understand why this is appealing to anyone. I accept people are allowed to live this way, but my foremothers fought too long and too hard for me to have equality and the right to determine the course of my own life for this. I married a partner, not an authoritarian. We are a team of equals. We love one another with full respect. One of us is not greater than the other.

This really grosses me out. This is one of those things that makes me unsure of whether I want a boy or a girl child first so that I can best combat this kind of thinking as I instill values in my child.

And let’s not forget the real root of biblical marriage. It’s pretty gross and complicated, so here’s a graphical representation. 

That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. You didn’t do anything to deserve such a title, and for that, I apologize. So much.

I do have a new job this year, so I’m thrilled! I can’t wait to start at my new school, teaching a new subject! My new co-workers seem wonderful and exciting, and I couldn’t be happier.

As you will have heard by now, Paul Ryan has been chosen as the vice presidential nominee for Mitt Romney. I’m not a fan of Governor Romney, but I’m even less fond of Paul Ryan. Not only is he a fiscal conservative (as any reader will know, I’m pretty fiscally liberal), but he’s a serious social conservative, which I find even more more heinous. Ryan has received a 0% rating from both Planned Parenthood and the Human Rights Campaign. So he’s no friend to women or the LGBT community.

Further, he is the obnoxious congressman who tried to dismantle Medicare. Good luck, buddy.

I found a great piece by Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com that explains that this pick means that the Romney campaign knows they aren’t going to win. This is of course music to my ears. Paul Ryan has some pull for the Tea Party, some pull for the Religious Right, but mostly, he will turn off the largest voting block of all time: THE ELDERLY. This is a bad call.

But at least in the mean time, we can enjoy the fun memes, mainly Paul Ryan Gosling. This is a favorite.

As my mother might say, “There’s many a slip ‘tween the cup and the lip,” between now and the election, but I think Obama’s got this one in the bag.

I never knew how much I’d really love summer as an adult until I became a teacher. Now, summer is where it’s at! I just woke up like 15 minutes ago. BALLER.

I’ve been away again. Yes, you know this. For the last three years, my life has been somewhat complicated and sucky in various ways, and it’s made my blogging suffer. But, I have much to be thankful for. I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, and a husband I love more than anything. 

Sorry to bum you out right away, but we lost baby Minnie two months ago. This is a constant source of sadness for me, but for the most part, I am doing okay. Girl cats just don’t seem to do that well here. I don’t think we have plans to get another for now, because quite honestly, logic doesn’t work on me in this scenario anymore. Now I’m certain that if we get another girl kitten, she will become sick and die. 

I am likely starting a new job this year, and I’m excited! Hopefully Ryan will get something soon, and then we’ll be all on track for the next phase of life. 

All kinds of crap has happened for me to rant about, but for now, I need to head to the gym. 

How about a rant soon? Yes?

Good.

Times change, people change, blogs change. As you may have noticed, I post somewhat less often. In the course of this blog, I have lost one job, Ryan’s lost a job, I’ve gained cats, lost cats, gained more cats, gained weight, lost weight, started a new grad program, started a new career, received a precious iPad, and now I’m entering the last year of my twenties.

I cook less, because my fabulous husband cooks more. I will do my best to share his recipes, and we will all enjoy them together. I will endeavor to post more when I can. I also will try to get back into my rantings, because who doesn’t love those?

Today, I want to spotlight my new fave app. I am absolutely head over heels for Instagram. It’s not new, but it is amazing. Not only can you upload the pictures you take to the photo feed, but you can also upload them to Facebook and Twitter, and with so many fun photo effects. I am doing the Photo A Day for April challenge, and I’m having so much fun with it. You may have recently heard that Facebook has acquired Instagram. I have no problem with this, and in fact it will probably help the service. But hats off to the Instagram people for not only making a kickass app, but for having the business savvy to let it go for $1 billion. Dayum. 

When April concludes, I will share all of my Photo A Day pictures. But for now, I will just include one of the latest ones.

Hi, Minnie!

 

I’ll be back. And soon. And probably as a 29-year-old.

Well, hello.

How are you? Can I get you anything? We haven’t visited in at least 8 months.

I’m sorry. Things have been busy. Since we last talked, I:

- did my student teaching in high school

- adopted a new kitten (Minnie)

- got a job at said high school when one teacher retired midyear

- found out that once again, my dear little kitten is terminally ill (just recently)

 

And obviously, there has been a lot more. The job opportunity is amazing, the news about Minnie is terrible. Ryan and I, however, are in a decent place about it.

And I want to blog more!

Here is a pic of my little baby Minnie to catch you up.

She’s so cute and good and sweet, and fortunately, feeling pretty well right now.

In any case, I’m going to try to be around more. I miss you all!

I won’t apologize for my absence. I’m in grad school 4 days a week, and then I spend my leisure time away from blogging. It is what it is.

But I will say that on my Feedjit, I noticed someone from Independence, MO had been here. And I just want to say that I hope they were only there for a short while as they obtained supplies for the Oregon Trail. Because why the hell would you be in Independence, MO otherwise?

And because it always should be watched:

Thursday night, Ryan and I decided after reading the great reviews to go see Bridesmaids. It had a pretty lackluster trailer, but it turned out to be pretty great. I think the comparisons to it being a female version of The Hangover make a ton of sense, but this was so much more human.

Kristen Wiig’s character, Annie (yay) is in her 30s and single, and is Maya Rudolph’s (Lillian’s) maid of honor. It’s a great commentary of how it feels to be friends with someone who is wildly successful when you are wildly not. There gets to be a point in the movie where I was really mad at Lillian, and Annie still calls her to discuss something happening in her life. Lillian doesn’t answer, and Annie leaves a message. In my movie-watcher fervor, I wanted Annie to yell at Lillian and tell her what a shitty person she had become, but then I realized she didn’t do that because no one would do that. Annie was hurt, but she still loved Lillian. It’s so much more complex than just telling someone off.

I loved how it spoke to having so many different friends from different groups, and admitting that they would be walking disasters together. Inside me, beats the heart of a total D&D style nerd. I don’t talk about it much, but I play a very popular MMORPG. BUT, I also wash my hair! I wear makeup! I get pedicures! And see the sunlight! And have IRL friends who wouldn’t understand what I meant when I said “IRL friends.” If I put any of these groups together, they’d be totally lost. They might even hate each other. Because you can totally love someone and totally hate their other friends. It also speaks to having childhood friends and noticing how you both change. Sometimes childhood friends grow into people you can no longer stand. Sometimes time just exposes your differences. And sometimes it’s real and long lasting.

Finally, it’s not a fucking chick flick. It’s not a Kate Hudson/Julia Roberts/Cameron Diaz rom com. It’s fucking funny. My chick flick hating husband loved the shit out of it. The characters were feminine and believable as humans, but were funny. It was really refreshing. Please let Kristen Wiig do this forever and ever!

Also, there are puppies. Tiny yellow lab puppies.

And I’m now obsessed with this Britney Spears song from like 2003 that’s on the soundtrack. It was never a single, so this video is YouTube poop, but bears a listen.

Go see this movie! GO SEE IT!

My semester, that is! 9 torturous credits of grad school gone. I got an A in one class, which is most excellent news. The other two grades haven’t yet arrived. So now I’m freeeee! (Oops, I’m only free until May 23rd when summer semester starts.) But nevermind that. For now I have a week of freedom (from school).

To celebrate my freedom, Ryan and I decided to go see Thor last night. It was great! I’d characterize Thor as the most handsome bigoted looking gentleman ever. He was very sexy in a scary Aryan way. I’m actually a little concerned that when he was beating up a black security guard, it may have been a hate crime. Anyway, by the end of the movie, you realize he is nice and sexy and not a bigot, as he loves Natalie Portman, who is Jewish. *phew* A sigh of relief. It’s not wrong to think he’s sexy. And he is. We then determined that Thor stole Ryan’s beard! Personally, I think it looks better on Ryan, but Thor is pretty good too.

Last night, I began losing my voice. It is all cracky, and makes me sound like a pubescent male. Today, I think I feel a bit worse. So I’m laying low. So much for my week of crazy freedom!

Hopefully, some things will enrage me enough to blog them while I’m under the weather. We can all hope!

Sup? It really freaks out high schoolers and middle schoolers when I’m making my round of the class, making sure no one is listening to his or her iPod and is actually doing work when I say that. I’ll come up behind a misbehaver, and say, “Sup?” It’s just a little reminder that I’m there. Usually, they smile shyly and accept defeat. I think it works because I’m not being a disciplinarian. I’m just telling them I know what’s going on, and it’s not going to continue. More reasons I’ll be the greatest teacher ever.

So this past month has largely been full of school work (why I took 9 credits, I’ll never know) and oh, um….my birthday. My twenty-eighth! I’m old as fuck!

No, I know I’m not. But Ryan and I went to Gordon Biersch to get their beer sampler in honor of my birthday, and neither of us was carded. I’d like to blame Ryan’s sweet ass beard, but it stung a bit just the same. Still, I suppose it’s nice to be closer to 30 than 20. 20-year-olds are idiots.

So as to not make this a lame “sorry I’m a bad blogger” post, I’m going to show you the list of most searched terms that leads people to my blog. Some may shock and horrify you.

- religion – This is no shocker. I’m always ranting about religion.

- “that would be telling…” - This one thrills me because it means some of you read this at one point and just had to get back! YOU LOVE ME!!!!!!!! (or you very possibly hate me and have to show your friends why I’m going to hell.)

- funeral potatoes for two – Well, the recipe I have isn’t for two, but embarrassingly the two of us did eat it. All of it.

- chicken fromage – One of my best recipes, and from Mama D! You should love it!

- hate when people make out at your house – Me too, Internets. Me too.

….And my very favorite:

- fingerboot – lolwut? Did I actually blog about fingerboot? A fingerboot? THE FINGERBOOT?

What is this? I don’t even…

So mostly, I can conclude that you are strange people. But I really love you. Please keep searching weird shit and keep coming back, even when I spend too much time getting old and doing grad school.